choice – Ali Soleil

Aug

Find it hard to say ‘no’?

Posted in happiness, Life Challenges, Parenting, Perfect Days, Personal Development, self esteem, Uncategorized.

Would you say that it’s true that when self esteem is not as high as you’d like, one of the things we’re prone to do is to say ‘yes’, when really we’d like to be saying ‘no’?

I know for myself, that often I would put my schedule and any free time behind any requests from family or friends who asked me to support them. I definitely wanted to help them, but I am also aware now that often I was craving significance from these people in order to feel ‘noticed’, ‘indispensible’, ‘worthy’, almost a reason for being. If I said ‘no’ when asked for help, I’d feel guilty, as if I was letting them down. Does this resonate with you?

For me I was brought up to always put others first and to not to be ‘selfish’ so it came naturally to be a willing helper. However, since realising why I had been doing this and how it had become a negative pattern of behaviour (which was not serving me), I have become much more self aware.

It’s not wrong to be flexible and put yourself first, it’s not even selfish. What is wrong is putting yourself at the end of the queue of people to whom you give support, wouldn’t you agree? Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself after all, you’re fabulous! If you’ve flown on an aeroplane you’ll know in the safety instructions before you take off; the air stewards give a demonstration and say that passenger carrying small children or babies, must put the oxygen mask first. Help others happily whenever you want to, not because you feel you have no choice or because of a sense of duty.

If you recognise this pattern, and find it hard to say ‘no’ then acknowledge yourself for making this observation – that is fabulous, you are growing and raising your self esteem! One way to deal with this pattern is to think of some good answer to give when saying ‘no’ and keep practicing them until they roll off the tongue. Don’t feel guilty, this is your life – you own it, it is your time to choose how you spend it and for what purpose. Give youself a reward of some kind words, put on a feel good song or give yourself a treat and let it go, think about something good. Life is all about choices!

Wishing you oodles of self love

Ali xxx

Ali Soleil – Feminine Self Esteem Mentor

Tagged choice, flexible, guilt, indispensible, pattern of behaviour, saying no, saying yes, self aware, self esteem, selfish | Comments Off

Jun

How can I stop spending money?

Posted in happiness, Life Challenges, Personal Development.

So I get a mail bag of questions – or to be correct an inbox of emails from clients posing questions or seeking support to their challenges.

One such message a few weeks ago was from a lady who likes to spend money. Well we all do really, don’t we? Her challenge is not uncommon – so many of us are facing mounting debts with redundancies, hours cut at work and general living costs going up.

Her question was twofold – ‘Why do I do this and how can I stop myself?’ Of course everyone’s answers are personal to them. We all have the answers inside of us, we just need to be open to intuitively find and listening to them.

Why do we spend money when we don’t have to? I believe it’s down to our relationship with money. It’s either our friend or our foe. We either respect money and know it come flowing to us regularly or we disrespect it and spend it even if it’s not really there (on credit). If it’s a non essential purchase ie not to keep the roof over our head or fuel in our car – we have more of a choice about whether to spend or not.

Some of us spend to feel better – I wonder if that works in reality? It’s important to discover your spending patterns. What triggers a ‘spend’? What emotions are you feeling and thinking before you spend? It may be helpful to consider the following questions. Why do I want to make this purchase? What is my motivation for buying ie comfort, a treat, self development, boredom? Is it essential? What true benefits will it bring me and for how long?

If you want to spend to feel good, consider what emotion you will feel after you buy the… dress, chocolate bar, the seminar ticket, Starbucks treat, the magazine you may or not read – what is that emotion? Often immediately it is one of delight or joy – but if this is short lived and replaced with one of guilt, worry or disappointment then you have your answer as to buy or not to buy.

Step away from the thing, you think you want and choose to change your mind. What else could you do to bring you comfort, which would cost nothing and feel great – may be knowing you have made the choice to walk away is empowering enough? Give yourself a pat on the back!

If you want a happier life – only make purchases which you know will cause you to continue feeling happy after the purchase.

If you find yourself getting out of control with spending for pleasure, you are not alone; so many of us do this. I am helping many ladies to master their psychology around this very issue – taking them from Fed Up to Fabulous! Let me know how I can support you, I’m right here.

Ali xxx

Tagged choice, debts, guilt, happiness, living costs, negative emotions, pleasure, positive emotions, redundancies, spending money, stop spending | Comments (0)

Jun

Is money your friend or foe?

Posted in happiness, Life Challenges, Personal Development.

How would you describe your relationship with money? If you were to think about it, is money your friend or your evil enemy?

Some of us do not have a good association with money and struggle to make it. When we do have money – we don’t hold on it for long. Some of us can’t get enough of it – we know how we are going to spend it and have a never ending supply. Which are you? What causes these extremes?

It’s our psychology that affects this relationship – and often it’s a belief we’ve inherited from our parents from a young age – their beliefs around money can become ours.

When I coach ladies who are not having a good experience with money, I often discover that they do not feel they deserve to have it and it slips through their fingers very quickly. I dig a bit deeper and they discover they don’t actually like money very much.

Some of them been brought up by parents who have said things like ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’, ‘people with money have ripped others off’, ‘the bank manger is God’, ‘money corrupts’, ‘money is evil or dirty’. As they explore they realise these beliefs have been holding them back and what they have been costing them! If you’re unconsciously pushing it away – how can you attract it at the same time? This is where I support them to make the decision to believe something more empowering – and certainly improve their relationship with money.

I also work with women who are selling a service or a product they have created themselves, who feel uncomfortable about charging. They find it hard to receive payment for something they love doing.

I believe we all deserve to get paid for what we do. To feel proud of our achievements and get paid a fair price for giving of our skills and experience. I am sure that Madonna has more money than she could ever spend – and yet she still charges top dollar for doing what she loves – because then we value it.

What is your relationship with money? Could you do with some support to change your negative beliefs? When will be a good time to do that – now or later? What are your beliefs costing you? If you had more money, how would you choose to spend it? What changes would you make to your lifestyle? Do let me know – comment or email me ali@daringdamsels.com

Wishing you an abundance of all good things!

Ali xxx

Tagged choice, Coaching, deserve, dirty, empowering beliefs, enemy, evil, limiting beliefs, money, relationship, spending money | Comments (0)

Jun

To be right or to be happy?

Posted in happiness, Life Challenges, Personal Development.

‘Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?’ Dr Gerald Jampolsky

I read that quote this week for the first time and reflected on the simplicity of the question. Wow! It’s easy when it’s put like that, isn’t it?

How many people do you know who spend chunks of time everyday allowing their productive or creative energy to drain away because they feel the need to be right or to justify themselves?

Every time we make a choice about anything, it is either about moving towards pleasure or away from pain.

We all know of friends or family members who find themselves caught up in disputes which began as small issues or misunderstandings who have now found themselves falling out and friendships lost.

There are times when it is important and warranted to be acknowledged for being ‘right’ but for the times when it really isn’t the end of the world – we can choose to let it go, walk away and think of something else more pleasurable. What do you do? If we are full up of our own self respect, self approval and self love – it makes it easier to walk away, we have nothing to prove.

I choose my outcome to be a happy one. I want my life to be filled with happiness, love, laughter, harmony, positive challenges and an abundance of all good things. What do you want for you?

Ali xxx

Tagged choice, dispute, Dr Jampolsky, energy drain, happy, justify, right, self approval, self love, self resepct, thought | Comments (0)

May

Who is responsible for my thoughts and feelings?

Posted in Life Challenges, Personal Development, self esteem.

Wow, not feeling so fabulous right now - I was about an hour ago and I know I will be again any moment. It only takes a decision to change our state of emotion. We all have this amazing gift, we hold the remote control to how we think, feel and can change it if we want something different. Just choose to cast your mind back to a time when you felt happier, free-er, when you laughed so hard tears appeared – or a time you felt completely calm and at peace. Go back there now, through your own eyes, see what you saw, feel what you felt and really feel those feelings again now. So I choose to feel happier and more fabulous.

I don’t know if you do this too – but I sometimes I slip up and I forget who I can share my good new with and those it’s best not to share with.

I have had some great successes with my business lately and my daughters are happy. I am so excited for our futures. I chose to speak to a close relative today and share my truth with her but unfortunately I slipped up. I know better than to do this. You see all my life I have been seeking approval from this person and many years ago, I realised that their approval was not as important as my own self approval and self-worth. Isn’t it interesting how we unintentionally put our head into the ‘lions mouth’ over and over – just trusting and hoping for a different response? Have you done this too?

Some people don’t want to see you progress because they are fearful that you will fail. Sometimes, they don’t want you to progress so the dynamics of the relationship may change. Sometimes, they are jealous of your progress or they realise just how their thinking ‘small’ has held them back from ‘being’ or having what they have always wanted. In my case I think that this person wants great things for me and yet the ‘script’ that she lives her life by has makes her fearful, unable to be empathetic or joyful of my journey.

An innocent trigger can provoke these often unconscious responses from others. It is down to me to decide how I react to this response. I am responsible for my thoughts and feelings. I can choose to feel let down and hurt or I can choose to let it go and give myself all the approval I desire. I can look at my success journal and remind myself of how far I’ve come. Isn’t it fantastic that we can give ourselves the permission to feel fabulous and shake off the negative comments/vibes if we wish to!

Wonderful, that’s me feeling better already!

If you’d like some support dealing with your feelings around your family or friends, please message me or go to my website for more information www.daringdamsels.com

Tagged approval, choice, emotions, family, friends, opportunities, responsibility, self worth, sharing, success journal, supporting and championing | Comments (0)

Apr

Volcanic ash versus the travellers

Posted in Life Challenges, Personal Development, self esteem.

The news last week about the volcano and its billowing ash cloud was such a surprise to say the least. Was there some warning that I missed? It seemed that it sprung a surprise on the airlines and the passengers so quickly. For the thousands of travellers who are not where they want to be it’s not only a frustrating time, it’s also an expensive one.

The stories I am reading on Facebook and hear from friends tell of cancelled holidays, workers who had gone abroad for meetings have been stranded abroad without extra clothing and essentials – desperate to return to loved ones, relatives who cannot get to weddings – weddings being postponed, elders who have run out of their medication, hours of queuing in line for a train tickets, even Witney Huston being forced to catch a car ferry to Ireland for her Dublin O2 gig… all land and sea transport being used to the full. And the airlines losing millions of pounds each day with their planes waiting for the all clear to fly again.

The Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull has a lot to answer for – a natural occurring crisis affecting Europe, yes a volcano – it seems surreal.

I wonder how many of us have been on a fantastic holiday and imagined how wonderful it would be to find ourselves without the choice of returning home for another week or so. Maybe it’s just me? Of course the novelty of the situation would soon wear off as the reality of restricted freedom kicked in.

Often in life, so many of us choose the easy option – the one which feels easy, makes the most sense. I guess some people are ‘allowing’ this crisis to happen to them – victims of circumstance – feeling powerless and stuck where they are unhappily outside of their comfort zone. They will be getting used to living a different life for a week or so ‘making the best of it’, their personal world shaping up differently, waiting for some news of how they will be getting back home.

When the chips are down and there is no easy solution to the challenges, isn’t it amazing how others will look for another way of finding their way home? The determination and desire to be back on home soil with loved ones – or work is immense.

Stepping into their adventure zone, weighing up options, looking for alternative accommodation, checking out various ways to catch cross country trains and getting to ferries. I know many travellers have run out of money and the trains and ferries are booked up – I read of stories of people grouping together to then look into hiring coaches and cars which are now extortionately priced because of greed and scarcity.

Everyone will have a different story to tell of their adventures. Everyone will have had their comfort zones stretched in one way and another. Every situation will be drawing on each person’s inner resources and courage. I hope this situation is soon improved so everyone can happily get to where they want to be – my heart goes out to them.

If you used the power of your determination to achieve your tasks, how would things be different? How often do you go the extra mile? If you had to be somewhere would you travel all night in a taxi (if you had the money and the taxi available) would you do it? How far is too far? When you’re looking for a job how far will you travel? How about a new home, a night out, a trip to see something interesting? What restrictions do you put on yourself? What are these restrictions costing you in choice and adventure? How much more fun, fulfilled, fabulous would your life be if you allowed yourself some additional freedom? How much courage would you need to find? Not much I bet, it just takes a decision. When are you going to get out of your own way?

I work with women who have decided enough is enough. They are fed up with the frustrations of their life and want to fast track to fabulous. I work with them to raise their self esteem, master their psychology so they can begin to speak their truth with courage and live a happier life they never dreamt possible. Can you relate to this? Would you like to know more? Message me below or email me in confidence ali@daringdamsels.com I’m so looking forward to hearing from you.

Ali xx

Tagged adventure zone, airlines, choice, comfort zone, courage, crisis, Eyjafjallajökull, fabulous, Facebook, freedom, fulfilled, fun, inner resouces, powerless, self esteem, victims, volcano | Comments (0)

Dec

My car has broken down and it’s ok…

Posted in happiness, Parenting, Personal Development, self esteem, Uncategorized.

I watched my car being towed away this morning… The windscreen wipers stopped working on Christmas Eve so my plans were scuppered over Christmas to visit family and friends. This morning with the garages re-opening I thought I’d take it to the main dealer as they may have the parts in stock… however, this morning my car wouldn’t even start so I had no choice but to get the rescue service to tow it to the garage (for which I am grateful ).

The windscreen wipers seem such a trivial thing in many ways… two thin blades that swish across the screen and yet even when it’s not raining – prevent us from safely driving. I had to cancel my plans to visit my family over Christmas and now it seems my New Year plans maybe scuppered.

When our cars work we tend to take them for granted, but when they don’t, it is then that we really appreciate how magical it is to have our own transport (after all I don’t know how they work!).

I think that is true of so much in life. We can be so busy rushing here and there we don’t remember to take time to appreciate just how fortunate we are. We may not have all the material things we’d like to have or the perfect health – but there will be something for all of us to be grateful for. Perhaps having arms and legs that work? It may be having eyes to see your loved ones or ears to hear the birds singing? May be having a strong connection with friends and family feels good to you?

When was the last time you stopped what you were doing to feel gratitude for all that you have and all that you experience? When we choose to relax and feel gratitude, it changes our ‘state of being’; we become filled with a blissful feeling… and at that moment we cannot have negative emotions of fear or anger. Love and fear cannot be felt at the same time.

It’s so easy to change your emotional state – if you choose to. If you have just had something not very nice happen or said to you, if you’ve had cross words with someone or feel like everything is going wrong take a moment to STOP.

Take some deep breaths and feel some gratitude for what you do have or what you do love… if you’ve just fallen out with someone – think about the reasons you became friends with them or what they do that makes you laugh – or why you love them – choose to feel appreciation for something connected with them. It’s about choice – choose to feel better – letting the anger or disappointment go. Decide to put yourself back in control rather than a victim. Ask yourself “do I want to stay feeling annoyed or would I rather feel ok, or even happy?” We tend not to make good decisions when we’re angry or annoyed.

My girls and I often start our day with a question ‘what am I grateful for?’ Often they say “it’s not raining so I won’t get wet walking to school” or “Ghd’s (hair straighteners)”… it doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s heartfelt. It can be a great way to start the day – something positive rather than pulling back the duvet and thinking… “ugh… it’s cold, I’ve got that horrible meeting today”…. having negative thoughts is so disempowering – wouldn’t you agree?

So I’m not sure when I’ll get my car back – but I’m going to choose to appreciate my friends for helping me, the public bus, the garage and the fact I can delay my New Year plans if I need to… I’m choosing to be ok with this unexpected adventure .

What are you grateful for? What can you see or hear right now? Think of a time when you felt really happy or bursting with laughter – what was that occasion? Can you feel the feelings again? How easy would it be for you to have this memory as something to draw on when you’re not feeling so good – a memory that can conjure up the good emotions? Perhaps, find a piece of paper (or better still a notebook) and write down a list of what you are grateful for – you can then refer to this list daily – or when you feel the negative feelings creeping up on you. We have choice, sometimes we forget – or don’t realise. It’s so much better when we focus on what we want instead of what we don’t want. As I blogged yesterday, sometimes our greatest growth comes from achieving what we think we cannot – consider what benefits may come from facing challenges more positively. Life is supposed to be fun! Let’s make it fun

Tagged achieve, anger, appreciation, being in control, challenge, choice, feeling good, gratitude, life choices, negative emotions, victim | Comments (2)

Nov

A perfect day

Posted in Parenting.

What a lazy day I’m having… I woke late morning, treated myself to coffee and toast in bed – and a long, fabulous catch up chat with my eldest daughter. So good to reconnect after a busy week. A chance to mull over the events and share funny stories.

This afternoon I’m meeting my youngest daughter at the local cinema to see Michael Jackson’s This Is It… we had tickets to for one of his shows in July – so finally having time together to see the film will be a special for us. Have you noticed how we can bumble along in life, putting things off until tomorrow, things we’d really like to do or have… and then when someones life comes to an end suddenly, it does come as a shock and put ones own life into perspective doesn’t it? We realise just how precious our time here is… What have you been putting off that you’d really like to do?

After the film I’m meeting my eldest daughter – we’re off to Windsor to an art gallery where Fabian Perez, the Argentinian, now LA based artist, is unveiling his stunning new collection of paintings. As the proud owner of 2 pieces of his art work, I’m always excited to meet the artist – nothing to do with the fact he’s drop dead gorgeous ;) My daughter who is an art/film student will love this experience, as well as sipping on champagne – and preventing me from making another purchase! Going to these events always adds sparkle to my life… to see someone who from ‘some where’ and ‘some how’ has achieved outstanding success – from living in Buenos Aires – becoming a painter… and who is now internationally recognised and who has been chosen as one of the official artists of the London 2012 Olympics! Fantastic… Mmm… his story focuses me on my goals and Henry Ford’s famous quote springs to mind ‘if you think you can do a thing, or think you can’t your right’ which is it to be?

After our champagne, we’re off for dinner and to admire Windsor Castle by night… it always looks spectacular at night – lit to perfection, it seems to tower (literally) over you as you walk along the winding road that stretches around its solid walls…

This is a perfect day – a day of fun with my girls, a day of treats and remembering live is meant to be FUN! I’m so aware that they will be flying the nest over the next few years, it’s great to have days like this with them. What fun things will you do today? What could you do? Who would you choose to share your time with? Who could you call today for a catch up?

Happy Saturday everyone! Ps… here’s a link to Fabian Perez’s web site www.fabianperez.com

Tagged choice, Fabian Perez, Henry Ford, Michael Jackson, paintings, time is precious, Windsor Castle | Comments (0)

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Find it hard to say ‘no’?

How can I stop spending money?

Is money your friend or foe?

To be right or to be happy?

Volcanic ash versus the travellers

My car has broken down and it’s ok…

A perfect day



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